Scream Like a Banshee

I've been having the dreams again. The scary ones where I know I'm going to die. This time I was with my family, and my Grandpa (the one still living) and his...girlfriend, partner, whatever (I don't like her much) are sitting with us, and for some reason get into an argument with my parents, and they say a Chinese phrase (I've forgotten it) which meant something like "Inevitable Death", meaning one of us children had to die.

Rather then let them take my brother, I gave myself up to die. So a noose appeared in the dream living room where everyone was sitting. During the dream, I was running around, sometimes feeling the noose around my neck, trying to find a way out of this death. Nothing worked. There were no solutions, no answers. I had to die.

There's always terror in these dreams, and I feel the terror days after I have the dreams. Right now, I'm so scared. The dreams are so real. I try to look up the meanings of them, but they don't fit. Nothing in my life relates to these dreams at all. None of my stresses, none of my worries. Normally I don't worry if I'm going to be sentenced to death by family, or shot in the head, or in the back, or slashed, or any of the other deaths that I've dreamed. Maybe I need to see a shrink or something. I don't know what to do. If I try telling my parents about them, I feel stupid, because it comes out sounding trivial. And they're so busy with other stuff, they don't want to hear about some stupid little dream. But these dreams make me want to cry.

I have looked death in the face, and I am a coward.

--Soren, out.

But Who Cares? No Big Deal, I Want More!

A Book List
For Glo

Sun and Moon, Ice and Snow
by Jessica Day George

Paranormalcy
by Kiersten White

The Storyteller's Daughter
by Cameron Dokey

Divergent
by Veronica Roth

Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman

Across the Universe
by Beth Ravis

The Book Thief
by Markus Zusack

Writing Magic
by Gail Carson Levine

Dragon Slippers
by Jessica Day George

Mistborn
by Brandon Sanderson

The Hunger Games
by Suzanne Collins

Song of the Sparrow
by Lisa Ann Sandell

I reckon this is a pretty good list for now. Read on, Glo! Read on!

--Soren, out.

Today I Don't Feel Like Doing Anything

No, really.

Today I stayed in what I slept in until around 3:15, when I had to go down the road to pick up my brother from the bus (which forgot to let him off, so I was stuck there for an hour wondering where the heck he was). I should do dishes. I should do laundry. I should at least make up my bed.

Have I done it? No.

Why haven't I done it? I just don't care. That pretty much describes how I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks: I don't care. I am completely apathetic about everything. And then other people talk to me. And I don't care enough about my own problems, let alone theirs.

Disclaimer: This post isn't directed towards or talking about anyone in particular. It's just a general statement about everyone. Don't get offended.

The only emotion I feel strong enough is something akin to anger. But only when I'm listening to songs that help me feel that. Which really, could be anything.

Really, my life could be summed up in Empty, by Ray LaMontagne. Which just so happens to be the first song that plays on my playlist (for now).

The mellowness, the last verse, the general vibe of the song. Yup. That's me right now. Maybe it'll change when I go to college and get a life.

Until then....yeah, I've got no advice. Enjoy your life. What's left of it.

--Soren, out.

Airplanes

Packing, packing, packing. That's what I'm doing. In my head, at least. I still have a week and a half before I leave. I can't wait! But at the same time, I'm insanely nervous! Why, you ask?

I've never flown in a plane before.

It's true! Whenever I went somewhere, it was always with my family, and we always drove (can you imagine the money it would take for a family of nine to fly anywhere?) and so I never had a reason to fly in a plane. So now I get to ride in a plane for the first time in my life all alone.

In all honesty, the plane ride doesn't scare me so much. I'll probably just sleep through it. It's the layover that gets me. Lots of people running around, and that nagging that I always get when I'm doing something new that I am doing it wrong, or I've got the wrong gate, or I've missed the next plane, and then comes the panic, and then comes the hyperventilation, and then the frantic phone calls to my mother.

I'm trying to avoid all that.

Bag of peppermints for calming my freaking-out-sense down? Check.
A good book to read while waiting for the next plane/bus/whatever? Check.
iPod movies to watch while I fly? Check.
Tablet to play on while waiting again in the airport? Check.
Confidence to be able to do it on my own? Loading....

--Soren, out.

You Can't Keep a Good Dog Down

We have a dog.

Just for clarification, I hate dogs. I can't stand them. Especially small dogs. All they do is smell, and they pant all the time and it's really loud and it sounds like they're hyperventilating, and they go poop in the yard, and they're not very cuddly, not like a cat. They don't purr, they don't figure things out like a cat does (which can be both a blessing and a curse), and they're just...ich. Give me an independent cat over a dependent, slobbery, smelly dog any day.

We now have a little Shih Tzu named Remy. He is a dog. I hate dogs.

This dog is starting to grow on me.

But I still hate dogs.

--Soren, out.

Sons of Odin

I am SO gushing over Loki right now! The one from the movie Thor. Not from the comic books.

Since the dawn of time, I have loved the character Loki in Norse mythology. Was it my wacked love of antiheroes? Was it the beginning of my devotion to brain over brawn? I dunno.

Either way, here I am gushing once again over Loki. He's replaced Snape as my wallpaper.

Dang it, now I'm going to go cry over Snape.

MEN! Geez!

--Soren, out.

I'll Never Be What You Want Me to Be

I. Am. Not. My. Mother.

I don't care if I look like her, talk like her, act like her, whatever.

I AM NOT MY MOTHER.

I am so sick of people comparing me to her all the time! My friends do it, my mother's friends do it, my family does it! Even I do it, when I'm away! I hate it! I hate how I feel I have to resort to it! I hate how I feel that it's me! It's not! But everywhere I turn, everything I say is compared to her.

Do you even see me?

Do you even freaking see who I am?

Or do you see some brainless Mother Clone?

No wonder I don't know who I am. I can't get away from my mother.

--Soren, out.

What Would You Think of Me Now?

It's been a year. A long year.

Every time I hear "Hear You Me" by JimmyEatWorld, I think of you, Bryce. You may never know how much you made an impact on my life. I said opening prayer today in church, and almost prayed for good mojo, just for you. But I figured that it was your thing, and I couldn't take it from you.

Whenever I get music, I make sure to get the whole album, because you told me never to be the kind of girl that only got singles from a band. I haven't forgotten it.

Remember our emo bracelets? Yup, still got mine. I still remember the day we made a emo bracelet team with them. Well, sorta. We had a moment. That's all that matters.

I remember the day you died. I was at a dance. I cried all night. I couldn't bear a world without your light. I still can't believe you're gone.

It doesn't help that I had the HUGEST crush on you, eh? I bet you knew, but in case you didn't...well, now ya know. I thought you were the funniest, cutest guy, and you were so easy to talk to. You were so full of life...there's no way that something as simple as water could take that away. It's impossible. You should still be here.

It's been a year, and I still haven't gotten over my grief.

I miss you.