Just Don't Deceive Me, Pt. 1

Once upon a time there was a girl. She was pretty when she smiled, ugly when she cried, and she laughed too much. She used to have two cats, but one ran away and broke her heart. The other cat was given away by her parents because they were moving. In her parents' eyes this was a necessary sacrifice. In her eyes, this was betrayal.

But enough of that, because this makes the girl cry, and she is ugly when she cries. Her face gets all pinchy, and you can't tell if she's smiling or not, and her face gets red. Like I said, not pretty.

Spring Nicht

Yeah, yeah, I know that "Spring Nicht" really means "Don't Jump" in German. But right now I'm lazy, and wanted something with the word "Spring" in it. Why, you ask? It's simple really.

I'm entering the Alice Marvel's Spring Giveaway Contest. Why? Because I could win a FREE book, or (even better), a KINDLE! You should join....or not, because if you don't, there's a better chance of me winning...I jest! Join! Go! And sign up for the daily newsletter! That newsletter is what I LIVE for every day! It's so amazing, and gives me the best books to look up! AND has updates on the latest book-based movies (Hunger Games, anyone?)

--Soren, out

Conjunction Junction

I just registered for my classes this Fall, and I'm SO excited!

I get to take, among other classes, History of the English Language (I keep wanting to say 'Human Language') and Fundamentals of Literary Analysis! Does it get any better? I think NOT!

In other news, I found the table I want so bad that it HURTS for only $124.95 (normally it's $199.99). I want it so bad! Do I get it? Do I save my money? I'd rather buy it than buy a new sketchbook, which I need desperately.

--Soren, out

It's a New Day....

Lately I've been sounding really depressed. It's been a really depressing time. Really stressful.

But it's getting better, now! The constant rain has stopped, and I've been getting out in the sun, and I've been hanging out with awesome friends, and I'm happier now. My dreams have even turned a bit happier. I don't dread them so much, anyway.

The best news is that there are two open positions at my dream job - the library! I printed out an application, and as soon as they're open I'm running it to them. I really want this job. I've been dreaming of working at a library since I can remember.

And that's my good news moment.

--Soren, out.

I Miss the Mountains

Alrighty, folks, here's the big news:

We're moving back to Kentucky.

Well, my family is. I'm not. Not yet, at least. My family will be moving to Kentucky, and I'll be staying in Utah. I'll have to find a place to stay for the rest of the summer, find out how to get to Idaho, figure out how to get my crap from the storage unit to my dorm, etc., etc.

On top of that, I'm headed to KY for Christmas Break, and that means I have to go by plane. By myself. For the first time in my life. I think that's what scares me the most. And then I'll be headed to KY for the summer.

All of this on less money than I got last year from scholarships and junk. Freaking. Out.

I really don't want to have to deal with this moving crap right now.

--Soren, out

Watch For Me By the Moonlight....

Staying up all night is better than the dreams.

It's worth being tired the next day to stay alive.

I Can't Wake Up....

I don't want to sleep anymore. I wish that I could relive that time in college where I was too tired to dream. My dreams have been scaring me.

I had lots of dreams like this before. Come to think of it, I've always had stages in my life that have dreams like this. Each time they scare me, and the fear has been escalating.

Why am I afraid of my dreams?

They are fear incarnate. There are no bogeymen, there are no jumping ghosts. There is death, and pain, and fear, and hopelessness.

I dreamed that a girl had to stab herself, and I helped her do it. I dreamed that I was kidnapped, and held ransom, and then they lined us up and shot each of us in the head. I have died a thousand deaths in my dreams, and the fear and the pain - pain that I can feel even after I wake up - are getting too much to bear.

There is no escape into dreams anymore. It's a prison that my mind builds for me.

Now You're Gone....

I think Lireal is gone for good. There's no sign of her anywhere, and even though I didn't find her body when I looked a couple weeks ago, the chances that she's coming home are slim to none. If she were alive and out there, she would have come home by now.

Thinking this is like someone punching me in the gut. I feel breathless and overwhelmed by a stabbing pain every time I have to think about this. I've spent the last two weeks sobbing. I have a feeling that I'm going to spend a lot more like that.

It feels like a betrayal, like I'm giving up on her. But my hope is wearing thin, and every time I get a glimpse of it, something ruins it and I spend the rest of the day crying, begging God to bring my best friend home. I can't understand how this could happen, or why. I don't know why she isn't home. And that wondering, that not knowing if she's alive or dead, if there's still hope to be had...that's the worst part.

I don't know how much I can take before I break.