I think Lireal is gone for good. There's no sign of her anywhere, and even though I didn't find her body when I looked a couple weeks ago, the chances that she's coming home are slim to none. If she were alive and out there, she would have come home by now.
Thinking this is like someone punching me in the gut. I feel breathless and overwhelmed by a stabbing pain every time I have to think about this. I've spent the last two weeks sobbing. I have a feeling that I'm going to spend a lot more like that.
It feels like a betrayal, like I'm giving up on her. But my hope is wearing thin, and every time I get a glimpse of it, something ruins it and I spend the rest of the day crying, begging God to bring my best friend home. I can't understand how this could happen, or why. I don't know why she isn't home. And that wondering, that not knowing if she's alive or dead, if there's still hope to be had...that's the worst part.
I don't know how much I can take before I break.
1 comment:
Maybe she is happily playing with Phoebe? (But still really just waiting for you?)
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